Exclusivity

When reading the Ernest Hemmingway novel, "The Sun Also Rises", the topic of exclusivity came up and I started thinking about it and whether it can actually work. My lecturer brought up the point that its only traditionalist values and ideals that mean that we, today, believe that the ideal relationship is one where you meet, fall in love, and remain in love with each other for ever and ever. Is this delusional? Can this actually happen, or is it naive to believe we can exclusively love somebody for a lifetime and expect exclusive love back?

All around us are chat shows where everyday folks demand DNA tests to determine whether the mother of their child was faithful or not. Couples shout, scream and cry about their partners latest act of infidelity. Excuses are thrown out as justification; I was drunk. I'm not attracted to you anymore. I just wanted a change. Etc. Etc.

Most things have changed since we were in a fully traditional society, but we still cling desperately to the idea that people should remain exclusively with their partner for their time together, and then apply the same idea of exclusivity to their next partner. When they fail these high standards, this is the ultimate form of betrayal - how could they? The bond is broken, never to be fully repaired.

The themes explored in the novel are freedom and what we have to sacrifice in order to truly be free. There is a question of free will, but choosing to restrict yourself; is this truly freedom? I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and I don't want him to betray me and go with somebody else. I don't want to feel like I'm not enough for him, or that he has to look elsewhere in order to remain happy. I want him to *want* to be with me, and that he has freedom in his choice. He can choose to go and be with someone else, just not whilst still with me. If he reaches the point where he wants to be with somebody else, then he can't be with me anymore.

My parents have taught me that its possible to remain in love for over twenty-nine years. My grandparents have taught me that its possible to remain in love for over fifty years. I'm amazed and impressed by this. Society nowadays tells us that its not possible; a man will be bored after so long, and women need to be satisfied more than one man could do. I know of couples who threw in the towel after twenty-five years together, who stay together for the children, or who are willing to wait till the kids leave before they walk away. Would couples be happier if we were taught that exclusivity is a thing of the past, much like waiting to have sex with the person you marry, or having children in your thirties? If we all had the freedom to be with anyone we wanted, would we even choose to stay in a long-term relationship? If we are happy in the relationship but the other person chooses to play away, could we cope? Surely our jealousies would run riot, and we'd be so insecure about everything that we couldn't truly be happy with ourselves or our partner. My boyfriend has a crush on Natalie Portman and Megan Fox (who doesn't?), and this bothers me. The chances of either of these stunners showing up and sweeping him off his feet are slim, but it isn't nice knowing that he finds other people attractive. It makes me feel unattractive when he finds them attractive. Similarly, I find certain people attractive, mostly based on humour, but this must make my partner feel like the least funny person alive. Its not meant to be an insult to my partner, and I'm sure him fancying celebrities isn't meant to bring me down. It just stings a little when he voices his attraction for someone else.

I believe that it can last. I think that it probably takes work, and I appreciate there might be times when they're not at their most attractive, but thats part of life. If everyone bailed as soon as they saw their girlfriend with no makeup, there wouldn't be any couples left. Romance just takes effort; relationships aren't meant to be easy and calming. Ask any married couple and they'll tell you it takes a lot of work. Every Valentines Day without fail, my dad buys my mum a present, a card, and a bunch of flowers. I'm normally sent to buy the flowers, but the thought is there. After 29 years, I know she knows he loves her without needing flowers or a card to tell her so. But my dad still makes the effort to show her he loves her, and I know she appreciates it.

I've seen couples whose marriage has gone in the wrong direction, and they've had to plough through the devastation that follows. All of them pick themselves up in the end, and they find new partners with whom they are happy. To make someone happy, you have to show them you trust, respect and appreciate them. Going off with someone else, even sending someone a flirty email, shows a lack of respect and reveals a trust issue. I couldn't trust someone if they were with me and with everybody else. If they don't need me, then don't stay with me. Lack of trust is one of the biggest killers for a relationship, because you need to trust someone in order to be able to love them.

In the novel, the heroine is a free spirited woman who doesn't believe in being tied to one person. She continues to sleep around when she so wishes, even whilst being engaged. All of the men in the novel fall for her but are left ruined by their obsession with someone they can never truly possess. Ultimately, if our society was full of people that couldn't be possessed, there would be no relationships, only jealousy.

Recent reports of Tiger Woods and Ashley Cole being unfaithful seemed to beg the question; how good does a wife need to be for a husband to stay faithful? Tiger and Ashley's respective partners are considered some of the most beautiful people alive today - but this isn't good enough? And it wasn't just an accidental or drunken fumble; Tiger slept with up to ten different women over a lengthy period, while Ashley slept with up to five women and sent lewd text messages to other women. Can these men justify their actions by saying they weren't satisfied with their wives? If they aren't satisfied, then leave the marriage. Don't blame your partner, because it isn't their fault you aren't satisfied - its yours.
But this again begs the question of whether we can truly blame people who cheat. Who are they really cheating? It must be a depressing world when no one person can satisfy your needs, where you have to turn to temporary satisfaction and lewd messaging to make you feel good. If you took the time to speak to your partner about your needs, about how you're feeling low and in need of some attention, then maybe you'll get it. If you don't, then split; if the relationship isn't going to work, then don't sink any chances of it by seeking other things. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, and you're going to find that out by leaving a trail of devastation behind you. The sheer amount of baggage you'll end up with would fill a removals van.
It does seem a bit old-fashioned to stick to one person for a lifetime, when we've moved on in almost every other way. But there's good reason for clinging to this ideal - people have tried and failed to go against the grain. There's a huge sense of failure when the person you're with decides you aren't good enough. It's something special when they choose to stay with you for a lifetime, and work through the problems. Ashley and Tiger have got some explaining to do, and luckily at least one of their women has seen the light and run for the hills. Nobody deserves to be humiliated like that, and its clear from the publics reaction that we all agree these men are stupid to not see what they had. I hope they'll realise what they've lost and learn a lesson, and perhaps the next woman to stumble blindly into their path won't be treated like they don't deserve respect.