Exclusivity

When reading the Ernest Hemmingway novel, "The Sun Also Rises", the topic of exclusivity came up and I started thinking about it and whether it can actually work. My lecturer brought up the point that its only traditionalist values and ideals that mean that we, today, believe that the ideal relationship is one where you meet, fall in love, and remain in love with each other for ever and ever. Is this delusional? Can this actually happen, or is it naive to believe we can exclusively love somebody for a lifetime and expect exclusive love back?

All around us are chat shows where everyday folks demand DNA tests to determine whether the mother of their child was faithful or not. Couples shout, scream and cry about their partners latest act of infidelity. Excuses are thrown out as justification; I was drunk. I'm not attracted to you anymore. I just wanted a change. Etc. Etc.

Most things have changed since we were in a fully traditional society, but we still cling desperately to the idea that people should remain exclusively with their partner for their time together, and then apply the same idea of exclusivity to their next partner. When they fail these high standards, this is the ultimate form of betrayal - how could they? The bond is broken, never to be fully repaired.

The themes explored in the novel are freedom and what we have to sacrifice in order to truly be free. There is a question of free will, but choosing to restrict yourself; is this truly freedom? I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and I don't want him to betray me and go with somebody else. I don't want to feel like I'm not enough for him, or that he has to look elsewhere in order to remain happy. I want him to *want* to be with me, and that he has freedom in his choice. He can choose to go and be with someone else, just not whilst still with me. If he reaches the point where he wants to be with somebody else, then he can't be with me anymore.

My parents have taught me that its possible to remain in love for over twenty-nine years. My grandparents have taught me that its possible to remain in love for over fifty years. I'm amazed and impressed by this. Society nowadays tells us that its not possible; a man will be bored after so long, and women need to be satisfied more than one man could do. I know of couples who threw in the towel after twenty-five years together, who stay together for the children, or who are willing to wait till the kids leave before they walk away. Would couples be happier if we were taught that exclusivity is a thing of the past, much like waiting to have sex with the person you marry, or having children in your thirties? If we all had the freedom to be with anyone we wanted, would we even choose to stay in a long-term relationship? If we are happy in the relationship but the other person chooses to play away, could we cope? Surely our jealousies would run riot, and we'd be so insecure about everything that we couldn't truly be happy with ourselves or our partner. My boyfriend has a crush on Natalie Portman and Megan Fox (who doesn't?), and this bothers me. The chances of either of these stunners showing up and sweeping him off his feet are slim, but it isn't nice knowing that he finds other people attractive. It makes me feel unattractive when he finds them attractive. Similarly, I find certain people attractive, mostly based on humour, but this must make my partner feel like the least funny person alive. Its not meant to be an insult to my partner, and I'm sure him fancying celebrities isn't meant to bring me down. It just stings a little when he voices his attraction for someone else.

I believe that it can last. I think that it probably takes work, and I appreciate there might be times when they're not at their most attractive, but thats part of life. If everyone bailed as soon as they saw their girlfriend with no makeup, there wouldn't be any couples left. Romance just takes effort; relationships aren't meant to be easy and calming. Ask any married couple and they'll tell you it takes a lot of work. Every Valentines Day without fail, my dad buys my mum a present, a card, and a bunch of flowers. I'm normally sent to buy the flowers, but the thought is there. After 29 years, I know she knows he loves her without needing flowers or a card to tell her so. But my dad still makes the effort to show her he loves her, and I know she appreciates it.

I've seen couples whose marriage has gone in the wrong direction, and they've had to plough through the devastation that follows. All of them pick themselves up in the end, and they find new partners with whom they are happy. To make someone happy, you have to show them you trust, respect and appreciate them. Going off with someone else, even sending someone a flirty email, shows a lack of respect and reveals a trust issue. I couldn't trust someone if they were with me and with everybody else. If they don't need me, then don't stay with me. Lack of trust is one of the biggest killers for a relationship, because you need to trust someone in order to be able to love them.

In the novel, the heroine is a free spirited woman who doesn't believe in being tied to one person. She continues to sleep around when she so wishes, even whilst being engaged. All of the men in the novel fall for her but are left ruined by their obsession with someone they can never truly possess. Ultimately, if our society was full of people that couldn't be possessed, there would be no relationships, only jealousy.

Recent reports of Tiger Woods and Ashley Cole being unfaithful seemed to beg the question; how good does a wife need to be for a husband to stay faithful? Tiger and Ashley's respective partners are considered some of the most beautiful people alive today - but this isn't good enough? And it wasn't just an accidental or drunken fumble; Tiger slept with up to ten different women over a lengthy period, while Ashley slept with up to five women and sent lewd text messages to other women. Can these men justify their actions by saying they weren't satisfied with their wives? If they aren't satisfied, then leave the marriage. Don't blame your partner, because it isn't their fault you aren't satisfied - its yours.
But this again begs the question of whether we can truly blame people who cheat. Who are they really cheating? It must be a depressing world when no one person can satisfy your needs, where you have to turn to temporary satisfaction and lewd messaging to make you feel good. If you took the time to speak to your partner about your needs, about how you're feeling low and in need of some attention, then maybe you'll get it. If you don't, then split; if the relationship isn't going to work, then don't sink any chances of it by seeking other things. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, and you're going to find that out by leaving a trail of devastation behind you. The sheer amount of baggage you'll end up with would fill a removals van.
It does seem a bit old-fashioned to stick to one person for a lifetime, when we've moved on in almost every other way. But there's good reason for clinging to this ideal - people have tried and failed to go against the grain. There's a huge sense of failure when the person you're with decides you aren't good enough. It's something special when they choose to stay with you for a lifetime, and work through the problems. Ashley and Tiger have got some explaining to do, and luckily at least one of their women has seen the light and run for the hills. Nobody deserves to be humiliated like that, and its clear from the publics reaction that we all agree these men are stupid to not see what they had. I hope they'll realise what they've lost and learn a lesson, and perhaps the next woman to stumble blindly into their path won't be treated like they don't deserve respect.

Females and Feminism

As a female, I opted to study gender within literature for my English course this year. I decided that it might be amusing to witness a group of feminists bash men for 12 weeks, with some raging texts written by Simone de Bouvoir. Instead, I was greeted with a class full of women (and one man), and some interesting aspects of gender that can be discussed relating to both their historical context, and to todays equal-standards society.
The classes have left me wondering where I actually fit in as a woman in todays society. Am I a "feminist", an "anti-feminist", or lurking somewhere in the middle?
For starters, I've never considered myself a feminist. I believe women should be allowed to hold the same jobs as men, I think they should be paid equally and I don't think that women should be judged based on the fact that they may one day reproduce and need time off.
I work in an industry which is a female-dominated world, but men are creeping in nowadays. Retail has always been considered a womans job, since it's not considered labour, and since men aren't interested in such frivolous things as blouses and lapels. Fashion, on the other hand, is a mans world. Men design and create beautiful pieces, for women to sell. A lot of men are in retail, but they are pre-judged as effeminate for taking such an interest in a female-oriented world.
I am a well-educated woman, and I am currently studying English Literature and Film and Visual Culture at University. A long time ago, it was unheard of for a woman to go to University. This, surely, would get in the way of her ultimate ambition to become a wife and mother. When these women went against the grain and attended University, their degrees weren't put to use. They were trophies to prove that they were educated women, but not to be used in reality. What did a woman need a degree for, anyway? Even with a degree, she still aims to be a wife and mother. Obviously, things have changed, and there are an abundance of young women studying alongside men in order to further their future careers. Alongside us are older men and women who perhaps didn't have the chance to study when they were young, and they have a new opportunity to prove themselves. I know that I, as a woman, have higher standards than becoming a secretary or an administrative assistant, and there might be men who disagree with me.
However, that said, I don't want to sacrifice becoming a wife or a mother. I'm educated, intelligent and I have an array of opportunities awaiting me when I graduate. I am also a woman. I have the chance to prove myself in so many ways; as a young woman in todays society, as a wife, as a mother, as an employee, etc. I don't want to give this up to prove that I'm as good as a man. Naturally, I wouldn't be the perfect choice for a job as a labourer, but that's because I'm not strong, nor does it interest me. Plenty of women are strong enough to take on "mens jobs", but I am not one of them. I don't believe a womans place is in an office, or a creche, or a home, but I can't argue that women are damn good at these jobs. So are men. There are always going to be roles that suit either gender more than the other, and that's okay. It's not sexist that there aren't many female sumo wrestlers, after all, is it?
I'm independent. I'm twenty-years-old and the world is at my fingertips, but a huge personal goal of mine is to get married to the man of my dreams. I'm not joking, it's just always been a goal of mine. I hate being judged as naive or ignorant to believe that this can be as much an ambition as becoming a writer or a poet, two other goals of mine.
My mother has had what I suppose is a typically female life. Her mother was even more so, as a home economics teacher. She taught young females how to be female; how to cook, clean and sew. I've had these classes myself. After my mother left school, she became a nanny, and then worked in a boarding school as a matron. After this, she became a wife, and then a mother. My mother has never been dependent, on the other hand, she's a strong, feisty woman who knows what she wants. She went back to work when I hit primary school age and hasn't looked back. As a teaching assistant and then a social worker, she was able to do something where she made a difference, regardless of whether she was a woman or a man.
My father has always been the strong, manly type. He works in the oil industry, and for the first ten years of my life, worked on the rigs. I know that women work in this industry, too, and have met many of them.
I never grew up thinking that I had a restriction automatically put on me since I am female. The only time I have ever been restricted by my gender was when my brother went away on his gap year. Before that, we'd had the same circle of friends, so hung out a lot and came home together. I never had a curfew when I was with my brother. As soon as he left, I gained a curfew. This was because it was "dangerous for young girls out late." I wasn't hanging around the docks or walking alone through darkened alleys. I was with friends (many of them male), and I would have a safe ride home. As soon as the older brother protection disappeared, so did my rights. All because I am female.
One other slight issue I've had due to my gender is that my brother was loaned money and given a computer by my parents. When I asked if I was getting anything in order to balance out what was fairly owed to me, I was told that since my parents would be paying for my wedding, they weren't going to give me a computer or money. I was gobsmacked. I never asked for them to pay for my wedding, they just assumed responsibility because I'm a girl.
I want to be able to be a wife, a career-woman and a mother. I may be naive to think its possible, but I know plenty of people who have managed it, and managed it well. I don't want my husband to assume I should be cooking each night, nor do I want to have to do all the housework. Equality only works when it's applied to all aspects of modern life, and that includes equal responsibility within the home. I know that I'm going to do the ironing, and the housework, but so is he. It's not going to be the "womans role", any more than it will become the "mans role". If I choose to have a job that is considered weak or subordinate to a male role, then so be it. It's a choice, not a limitation. My gender will not affect my outcome. At the end of the day, my outcome is up to me.

ARGHHHHHHHH!

We've been internet-less for 3 months now. This is the longest I've been without internet for over a decade. Asking Orange to switch our broadband to our new address seemed simple enough, and yet we've been faced with some of the most extreme cases of incompetence *ever*.
Guaranteed to have the internet on Monday, the 15th February (by three separate Orange reps), I rushed home eagerly to update my status and chat to those neglected friends who aren't aware I still exist. Re-starting my router on the hour, every hour, I was disappointed to see that I'd been lied to.
The next morning, I called Orange, hoping to get to the bottom of the problem and to get it sorted as soon as possible, as we've been without internet for so long. I was told that it was a problem with my line, and that they'd need to do a line test, which could take from 24- 48 hours. Now, when they agreed to move the broadband, they ran a line test, and it came back saying the line was in absolutely perfect condition. This second line test seemed a bit like we were being fobbed off, but we let them go ahead in the hopes that we'd have the internet soon.
Nothing. The next day, more frustrated than ever, we called yet again. This time, they really pushed their luck as far as lying. We were told that the problem lay with our line, with our router, etc etc. None of these things are true. We'd already had Orange confirm our line was fine, we had Belkin confirm our router was fine, so we knew that we weren't to blame. Orange finally confessed that the problem was their fault, and that they needed to re-start their server, which (surprise, surprise) could take up to 48 hours. I demanded to speak to a supervisor. This time, I was at least apologised to, but told that we just needed to wait and that it would be sorted within 24 hours.
Nothing. I've been losing sleep planning my next attack on the Orange team, and I finally had reason to do so today. I'd sent a fuming email to the Orange team and received a response telling me they were going to do a line test (haha) but that we would be compensated for the time we'd been without internet. This was my response to their feeble attempts at resolving the problem:

Leanne,


I'm afraid that just won't do. The line test you're referring to will make the THIRD line test we've had done by Orange since we tried to have broadband moved to our new address and following the problems with your service. The grave error you're making here is underestimating us - we know when we're being lied to and we also know that you don't need to do three line tests. You've done one, you've got the results. Unless the first line test was a) inaccurate or b) never carried out in the first place, you shouldn't have to do another. I'm not willing to wait for however many more days this is going to take for Orange to admit that they have no idea what the problem is, and for us to keep phoning back in the frail hope that maybe the fourty-third person we speak to about it might be able to sort it out.

Let me fill you in on our situation and why this is so frustrating. Our actual home was severely flooded over Christmas and we were evacuated to a hotel to live in for over a month. Since then, we've been moved into our temporary accomodation, which is where we're trying to move the broadband to. As you can imagine, stress levels are at an all time high in our family, and any attempts to regain some stability in our lives have been stalled by the sheer incompetence shown by the Orange customer "service" team. My father works from home, and thus requires the internet to do so. You've rendered him unable to do this. My brother and myself are Honours University students, and thus require the internet for email, coursework, and research in order to complete our degrees. You've rendered us unable to do this. My mother works from home, and is now also in charge of the entire house situation. She needs the internet in order to liase swiftly with the insurance companies, cleaning companies, decorating companies, organising a builder to come and re-build our home, organising skips to come and take away all of our possessions...etc etc. I'm sure you can get the picture of how badly we've been affected by the terrible service offered to us by Orange, and how quickly we need to get the problem sorted. We just can't wait "another 24 -48 hours". If you would care to place yourself in our situation, and then imagine having to go for three months without internet access, one month of which is caused by sheer incompetence, would you settle for a "sorry, we'll do another line test..", or would you not?

We have NEVER had problems like this with any other internet provider. You are the only company that has rendered us internet-less and then failed to provide a solution to this problem.

I received another text this afternoon from Orange informing me that they had an update on my situation and to please phone them (yet again, at 5p a minute..). When I did so, they had absolutely no idea why I was phoning and attempted to go through the whole process with us again. I fail to see how in a communications company such as Orange, there can be such a terrible level of communication? I fully understand that you have many customer "service" representatives, having spoken to approximately thirty of them about this situation.

I hope you understand the gravity of our situation, and ask you to please stop lying to us about these line tests; our line is fine - you've already tested it twice. Stop putting off finding the problem, and just sort it out. If the problem isn't resolved by the morning, and I highly doubt it will be, given Orange's track record, we're going to look for another, better company who won't treat us so poorly and offer feeble apologies instead of practical solutions. And just maybe, these companies might just give us the internet.

Yours.

Weddings.

I didn't see it coming, but I seem to have reached the age where a lot of my friends are getting engaged and/or married. I now have to scour the rails for more than just shorts and tees for the summer stockpile; I have to look for wedding outfits.
This dreaded age was not something I saw looming ahead. When I was younger, it didn't appear that everybody older was getting married, but now I've hit my twenties, I've made the startling realization that they are.
As a young girl, I was one of those special children that dreamed of getting married, but I didn't let it get in the way of my rigorous Barbie play schedule. It was something I planned to do, and I planned to do it at the same age as my mother, as I thought that would be appropriate. If I was older than my mother was when she married, I thought this would be disappointing.
Of course, reality hit home when I went to school and realised that time was running out. If I was to be married by twenty, I had to do something drastic. Of course, the drastic move was reaching the natural conclusion that it probably wouldn't happen and that this was neither a problem, nor a disappointment. I still aimed to be married by twenty-one, but this was a vague aspiration in the back of my mind, not a strict regime.
As part of an eclectic group of friends at secondary school, I was the weird one. I wasn't the weirdest, but I was definately different. We often discussed who we thought would do such and such when they were older, and the topic of who would get married first cropped up once or twice. I learned that my friends had a hierarchy of who they thought who be married first, right down to who would be married last. They decided that I would be the last person in our group to get married.
This was quite hurtful, to be honest, but I suppose they had a point. I didn't have a boyfriend, I was a fun-loving weird type of girl, and they may have pinned me as the perpetual girlfriend type (that is, if I managed to score a boyfriend), but never a wife.
When my friend got a serious boyfriend, the hierarchy changed and she was bumped up to first place, but I was still bringing up the rear. Nearing the end of school, I got a boyfriend, and am still with the guy. I've spoken to my friends about this "last to get married" choice, and have learnt that I'm in first place, even though the other friends are still together. I asked why they chose me as last place, and they couldn't pin down the reason. I think they thought I just wasn't the type to settle down and become a housewife and take up gardening in my twenties.
I'm not that type. Yes, I want to settle down, but I don't consider myself a "wife type". I can't cook, I'm messy by nature and I have no desire to rear children just yet.
I sat and watched "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding" last night. I was fascinated by their way of life and their take on marriage. They understand that marriage is a life-long commitment and that once you've made your (marriage) bed, you've got to lie in it. These girls are brought up restricted in most ways; they can't go out, they can't date, can't live with a guy before marriage, can't sleep with a guy before marriage, etc. A lot of the engagements take place the first or second time that a guy meets a girl, at the average age of 14. These teen-fiancees then spend the next few years finalizing the details on the wedding they've dreamt of since childhood, making them come to life. At 16, they get married.
I felt old. I felt like, at 20, I've past my peak. I'm lagging; yet again, I'm the last to get married. I quickly shook this feeling off and replaced it with incredulity. At age 16, I wasn't ready for anything, let alone becoming a wife. At 20, I'm not ready to become a wife. I've experienced far more than these young girls; I've travelled, I'm educated, I have freedoms they'll never enjoy. My boyfriend and I have met more than twice, funnily, and have been going out for three years now. We're often discussed as being the next logical choice to get married, but this is based only on the duration of our relationship, as no-body else knows the ins and outs of who we are together. Lots of our friends have gone off the beaten track and gotten engaged quickly, after not going out for long at all. I don't know how they can truly know each other properly, and I hope marriage is a pleasant surprise for them, but I couldn't do that. I want people to understand and to respect my decision to get married, to know that I thought about it and know what I'm getting myself into. I want to make my bed, and I'm going to lie in it, no matter what happens. It might be a few years yet until I become a bride, and, with only 2 months left till I turn 21, I think my mother has won on this occasion. But she didn't rush into her marriage, and I'm not going to either. I want to know that I know my husband truly and properly before agreeing to spending my life with him. I don't want to marry them based on a whim, an impulse or a fantasy of what married life is like. I want to marry them because I love them, and for this, I'm willing to wait until the time is right.

How Times Have Changed...?

In my workplace, there is a book which has remained constantly present over the years. CDs have come and gone, Harry Potter’s have remained and then been de-cluttered, but this book has been a constant in the work for a while now.

The book is entitled “Cassell’s Book of Etiquette” by “A woman of the world.” Now, you may think this book sounds like a dusty volume that should be sealed in a time capsule, never to see the light of day. However, I beg to differ. The book tells tales of the good old days, when etiquette was ever present, and people were cordial, well-mannered and generally jolly.

The contents within the book detail topics such as how to visit somebody, letter-writing, how to dress appropriately, and how to endure each meal of a dinner correctly. Personally, I think the art of letter-writing is under-rated, and I still address an email to someone of importance with the structure of a letter. It might get muddled with the HTML and open on the other side as though I’ve just gone to town with line spacing and indents, but the intent is there. It might come as a surprise to many, if not all of you, that I’ve actually taken etiquette classes in the past. Not voluntarily, of course, and it was all ludicrous. If you genuinely expect every guy you date to pull your chair out, stand when you depart to powder your nose, and show up with a posy of flowers from his garden, you are going to be sorely disappointed. With the era of feminist views sinking into every aspect of modern life, it is perceived as weak and submissive for women to require a man to fulfil these needs. A modern woman can pull her own chair out, thank you very much. She doesn’t need a man to escort her to the powder room, nor does she need a corsage or pin to show the world she’s off the market.

Take dance cards for example – not exactly a hot topic nowadays, but would probably prove useful in clubs and discos. Using the excuse of having a full dance card could allow you to escape the ordeal of dancing with a sleazy stranger. It could allow you to sort the wheat from the chaff in a room full of men desperate for some attention, and if you’re in the mood for a night of dancing with your girls, fill the card up with them. Sorted.

My favourite part of the visiting chapter is when it suggests firmly that when calling round to someone else’s house, you should not bring small children or dogs. Their explanation of why is fantastic: “The former, besides often hearing much that they should not, are apt to make awkward remarks. The latter may do a great deal of mischief in overturning things, and require the constant attention of their owner, which interrupts conversation.” At least I know why I’m not invited.

If we were to introduce the visiting once more, we’d probably need to give up our jobs. We would need to be at home much of the day, with tea and scones ready on the off-chance someone should call. It sounds like quite a chore.

When it comes to dress, the book enforces age limits on clothing, and that in order to age gracefully, you should accept your age and dress accordingly, so that nobody will mistake your fifty year old mother for a teenage hippy. Nowadays, “age refuses to admit that it should dress differently”, which makes for some interesting mid-life crisis choices. Admittedly, I always think its strange when you come across a grown adult in Topshop and New Look. I don’t think their clothing has anything for those age ranges, and it seems like denial for a forty-year old to cling onto the fashionable trends of playsuits, pvc leggings and wearing sequined hotpants. Admittedly, these trends are some of the ones that shouldn’t be attempted no matter what your age or body shape – they’re just wrong.

Another titbit from the dress section is skirt advice. Okay, skirts are short now, and sometimes that can look nice, and sometimes you can look like you embody Pretty Woman and are just waiting for a nice man to pay for some nice clothes. Nonetheless, the book tells me that skirts should allow for complete freedom – I don’t think I’ve ever been completely free in a skirt, bar a full circle one. I have pencil skirts, where I can’t use steps or bend down. They look flattering, but they involve a lot of awkward manoeuvring. Mini-skirts, not of the pretty woman variety, if worn without leggings, can involve an embarrassing flashing incident if worn in inappropriate weather conditions, or if you find yourself above somebody else, for example on a staircase, stage or balcony.

To sum up, there are some rules and instructions in this book that seem out of place for modern times, but it holds a fond nostalgic of a time when people were polite, manners were used and respect was constant. If we won’t bring dance cards, fur trims and lace back to the forefront; we should consider the most important elements and respect everybody equally, treat people with cordiality and present ourselves well, whether that means dressing for our age, phoning back the person you don’t want to talk to, writing thank-you cards for gifts or just saying please and thank you. These are the things that should never be considered “old-fashioned.”

Can you be *too* couply?

Having been in a relationship for nearly two and a half years, I am constantly surprised by other couples behaviour, and find it an amusing topic to discuss with others. I have always been taught that there are certain elements of being a couple that are inappropriate in a group setting, and I am begging the question of whether you can be too couply?

I always find it interesting to compare the little habits that couples have, but I often find it quite nauseating when you have a couple’s relationship literally thrust in your face with absolutely no shame. I witnessed this recently, and I’m not going to name names, but we were in a large group setting, there were three couples, and I was one of them. My boyfriend and I don’t act overly couply – we hold hands, we sit next to each other and we chat, but we don’t exclude everybody else in the process. The other couples were a lot more open about their affection, regardless of the others having to endure this too. Sitting together is fine, but when you can’t exist without your other half being there, it’s becoming a problem. These couples were touchy-feely, they were draped over their partners, stroking their hair, kissing them constantly, and generally making the room feel a lot more romantic than is necessary at lunchtime. Personally, I feel sorry for the single people in the room. They had to endure this horrific show of affection constantly for a matter of hours, and I’m worried they might think this is normal.

I’m a great believer of the saying “get a room”, and think that certain displays of affection are generally inappropriate for a group setting and may lead to members of the group feeling excluded and nauseated. I also can’t help but think that if you spend your whole courtship stuck to each other, whispering sweet nothings in each others ear and fawning over them, then if you eventually get married, you’re going to be sadly let down. If your partner eventually tires of spending every minute petting you, you will definitely cease to exist as a couple. I was more disturbed that these couples are acting like they are in the first exciting throes of a relationship, yet have been together for years. Have they always been like this? That must be exhausting…

At some point, the relationship is going to have to mature into something that exists on different levels than just touching them up everywhere they go, and if you don’t have anything deeper than that, it’s not going to work out. Whilst discussing the issue with a friend of mine, she was equally as freaked out as I was, and she made a good point. She said “I feel like couples who spend all of their time together doing that are destined for failure – there’s no foundation to the relationship; no guts!” It might be forgiven if it was just the female part petting her man, but it was the men showing all of the affection. Resting your head on your girlfriends shoulder isn’t manly, nor is stroking her hair and kissing her cheek, forehead, hand, shoulder…etc. It’s definitely nice, but not something that should be displayed in public. That’s something for when you have a quiet night in watching a movie, or when you’re celebrating an anniversary or something. I just found it all a bit soppy and alien to me. Okay, they might be the “sensitive type”, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that most witnesses are gagging by your girly behaviour.

If these couples are fuelled solely by their need to show affection all of the time, it’s eventually going to fizzle out. As my friend stated, “If one of them gets a cold sore and can’t kiss for a day or two, the whole thing will just fall apart!”

I can safely declare that I’m not a bitter onlooker – I don’t crave this kind of attention, and I know my partner is keen on me without him having to drape himself over me to show it. I’ve been through the honeymoon stage of the relationship, endured the highs and the lows, and come out at the other end with a better understanding of what’s necessary in a relationship and what’s realistic. Life isn’t a romantic movie; we know you’re a couple, and we don’t need to see it all the time. There should definitely be a boundary line for couple behaviour when you’re in a group setting. Nobody wants to have to avert their eyes because you’ve decided to have an impromptu make-out session on your partners lap, and we don’t want to have to awkwardly sit next to you while you snuggle cozily. If you snuggle too much, you’re going to end up suffocated, and one of you will be gasping for freedom and the ability to sit on the couch without being tackled. I just wish you the best of luck when you have to test your relationship in the real world by living together or getting married, and the constant attention slowly starts to die. You have to learn that if you focus all your attention on one person, you’re going to alienate people, and set your bar far too high. You won’t be able to compete with your own affections in a number of years, and it’s all going to go belly-up.

Can weight weigh down a relationship?

I’ve had to ask the dreaded question “does my bum look big in this” to my partner before, and I’ve always received the same response – “no, of course not!” It’s not that a preposterous idea that my bum would look big in something, it often has those tendencies, but his reassuring response calmed my nerves, although I was somewhat dubious about whether he actually meant it. Now, I’m an average size – I normally weigh from 9 ½ stone through to 10 stone, and I carry my weight on my hips and thighs, which means that I’m a size 8 on top, and a size 10-12 on bottom. I’m not “fat”, but I definitely carry more weight that I’d like to.

About a month ago, my partner gleefully suggested we both weigh ourselves – this is not a bonding experience, nor is it a happy moment of realisation when you discover that your boyfriend weighs just a few pounds more than you, or worse, less.

I don’t have this problem, but my partner is definitely skinny all over and has legs that I would kill to have. Not that I’m desperate for hairy legs; they’re just really skinny.

In the past, I went out with a guy who was a lot skinnier than I was, and it only became embarrassing when he attempted to give me a piggyback, and dropped me because he couldn’t manage my weight. I was only about 9 stone at the time, so I was quite offended, but I’m wondering whether weight can really affect a relationship?

I have friends who have boyfriends skinnier than they are, and it’s no wonder they’re self-conscious. If you go to borrow a hoodie or a teeshirt from your guy and you can’t fit into it, it’s not as romantic as you might think. The little comments that can be uttered once from a man and remembered forever by a woman can make a break how a woman feels about herself.

Now, even men who are overweight seem to assume that women should look like the photoshopped Twiggy-esque models on the covers of the magazines. Forgive me for sneering, but practice what you preach – if you’re already overweight, don’t make comments about other people’s weight. You’re just going to bring them down and enforce the stereotypes that women are “meant” to fill.

If you feel like you weigh too much and your partner won’t want to witness such a travesty, don’t be too hasty. You need to just take a step back – you didn’t begin a relationship with someone because they were skinny, did you? Chances are they didn’t pick you out of a crowd because they thought you’d slim down well! In that case, it would be safe to assume that weight doesn’t matter.

If you are both overweight, it might be something where you can both find a common ground. If you feel the need to lose some weight, you can encourage your partner to support you and to join in. Maybe couples who work out together, work out? You know that it’s satisfying to lose weight after a gruelling few months of effort and dieting, so having somebody to share and experience that satisfaction with would be awesome.

I purchased the Wii Active set recently, and embarked on a 30 day challenge where my ultimate goal was to tone up and notice a difference, body-wise. As well as my trainer being disappointed in me for skipping days, my partner decided to join in and scold me for skiving and generally being a lazy bum. That didn’t do much for my self-esteem. Being constantly told that I should work out more just emphasized the feeling that I really should be working out more, and that I wasn’t in good enough shape right now. I’m going to state here that my partner wouldn’t understand weight gain if it hit him in the face – he could eat anything he wanted constantly, and still wouldn’t put any weight on. As for myself, if I have a particularly binge-y week/month, I definitely see the effects. I don’t feel good about myself and I need him to put extra effort in to make me feel good about the way I look. Of course, I have to tell him this, but he just pokes my stomach fat and tells me I look fine.

I can definitely understand why weight would be an issue for women – it’s a huge deal, because how we look can make or break our confidence. Some women don’t feel comfortable enough in their body to strip off in a changing room, let alone with their spouse, so I can imagine that would have some serious repercussions on their relationship.

That’s not to say that men don’t come with these problems too. Some men feel scrawny and inadequate if they don’t have abdominals equal or greater to a bodybuilder. Men want to feel like they’re able to protect their women (it’s a pre-installed feature), and they can only do this if they have a body that screams “I’m buff, back off.”

So men are trained to be Apollo-like Greek gods with a body like an athlete, and women are to be stick thin frail bodies. This just isn’t realistic, and we’d all be exhausted. Women who’ve had children aren’t going to spring back into their size 6 jeans, so men, be nice about it. Love and accept their curves and appreciate their body for the pure fact that it belongs to the person you want to be with. Women, not all men are destined to look like Daniel Craig when they exit the pool, so just make do. If you’re happy with your body, that’s what counts. If your boyfriend is thinner than you, don’t worry about it. Nobody else cares, it’s normally just you. Get rid of your paranoia, because the chances are high that he doesn’t care either. Men, if your girlfriend weighs more than you, appreciate it – its much more comfortable, there’s less tantrums about how you’re eating a curry and she can only eat a yoghurt, and if she’s confident, she’ll be beautiful no matter what size she is.